Not many of us get to stand on a podium kissing a gold medal while crying through the National Anthem.
In fact, those kissing and crying Olympians are at the stage of life where youth thinks that it will never outgrow itself. The rest of us know better. It doesn’t mean, however, that we cannot accomplish great things in our ordinary everyday tasks, old hags or not. That way we can also say into the micro-phone how “amazing the experience” and how “my family, that is, the ones who still speak” were there for me every fall along the way.
One man in Alpine, Michigan knows all about falling. He belongs to a hockey team with fierce competition. The main requirement was that the players had to be age 70 and up. The goalie in his 90s muttered, “Oh, I get the falling down part, it’s the standing up again that takes time!” as both teams patiently waited for him to become upright again on his skates.
Falling down has since become a major category, though the International Olympic Committee is still reviewing the rules. For the Hag-limpians, the entrants must be 50 and up. Submitting X-rays is also required, with special attention to those with clear pockets of arthritis and railroad tracks of surgical incisions all over the body.
Hag-limpic hopefuls must also submit urine samples to monitor a thoroughly drug-appropriate event. Larger vials and thick mops are standard procedure for this stage of entry, since potential hag-limpians who have given birth several times flood the entire floor – a fact that the media has yet to document. This time it would be no accident that the door locks them in the bathroom.
Drugs considered legal for the hag athletes include generous milligrams of anti-depressants, hormone replacements, aspirin for warm-up activities, leftover penicillin for forgotten illnesses and enough expensive wine to keep the blood thin and flowing. The warm-up music is toe-tapping Lawrence Welk.
One main category, only recently added to the events, was introduced by Uggs-ugly Langenberg. It’s called Speed Stairway that clocks exactly how fast one falls down the Sochi escalator steps. The fastest with the most stitches and largest areas of bruises are the main goal. Uggs-ugly was applauded as she waved and was carried off.
The Downhill Driveway event recently placed silver. Uggs-ugly was favored to place, but she was in treatment for public intoxication and goose-neck therapy. So hag-limpian AARP-LaPointe saved the day. The rules are that the driveway must be a 45 degree angle with fresh snow layered over ice. The entrant must be carrying 40 pounds of cat food in one arm and a year’s supply of Depends in the other.
At the WHIZZ, BOOM of the timer, clothes flew off including earmuffs, bifocals and a scarf. That was just the start. The rest was looking solid until another hag-lympian swept the goal by successfully losing bladder control without dropping the groceries. The IOC is still reviewing the rules.
New hag-jumps are being introduced every day. There’s the Half Pipe Walker and the Double-chin Ski rhythm. On the fly the other day, one Hag-limpian invented the 360 Spare Tire Turkey-waddle Express.