Not that I drink too much wine or anything, but my corkscrew fainted and died from exhaustion the other day. The side arms went up to the top of a jumping jack, one broke, then the thing fell dead on the counter.

I had to fish through the utility drawer for plan B. The last one I used would squiggle down, centered and happy, then I would have to prop my feet on the wall, turn red-faced, then have the entire obstetrics staff help me count to ten…

Or just take it to the neighbor who lifts weights. I snubbed a friend who claimed that she drank wine every day. “Oh, heavens,” I said with great innocence, “not me.” Then my nose grew about a foot. I looked at another friend who claimed that she could eat just one cookie. Her nose was longer than mine!

At least, I’m on the point system when if I am a very, very good hag, I deserve this glass of wine!